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Dead End Relationship: Can’t Stop Loving Him

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Dead End Relationship: Can’t Stop Loving Him

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Dear Miss A,

Do you have any advice for me? My boyfriend of three years told me that he can’t see us getting married. He doesn’t have those kind of feelings for me. We broke up for a while and tried to be just friends, but we’ve started sleeping together again. I feel so sad when we’re apart. I love being with him. I am unable to stop seeing him, even though I know it is never going anywhere. I am in my 30’s and I know I don’t have time to waste, and need to think about marriage. How do I stop this?

Still Love Him

Dear Still Love Him,

Thank you for writing in. I once had  a man who I had been seeing tell me that he didn’t want to break up, but that he knew he’d never marry me. Fortunately, I had only met him a few months earlier and wasn’t all that invested. What he told me was all I needed to know. Not only did I know he would never marry me, and he would only be a waste of my time, but I knew that the odd suddenness of his revelation meant that this man had serious issues. It was him — not me. I could have been any woman. Most men just break up with a woman, and the fact that it’s because he can’t see the relationship deepening into marriage is never blatantly revealed. Your situation is much harder as you were in a relationship for years, and then he told you this.

You say that you broke up and then wanted to still be friends. Your current situation is exactly why I don’t believe that women should try to be just friends with an ex. Perhaps years later once the wounds have healed and the flame has been completely burnt out, but not right away. I think you should have removed him from your life “cold turkey” — not seeing him at all for a good six months. You need him out of your life, so that you aren’t constantly reminded of him, and can move on. Get to know yourself as a single woman again, reconnect with friends and family, and set out to achieve your personal goals and dreams.

As much as you don’t want to be without this man, eventually you will be, because he has told you that he is hoping to find someone more worthy than you of being his wife. You should stop wasting your time with him, and be out there looking for someone who will love you as much as you love him, who deems you worthy as a life partner. Have some pride, Honey! Your ex is getting his cake and getting to eat it, too. He has told you that you aren’t good enough, but you are showing him that you’ll be honored to have any crumbs that he’ll toss your way. Whether you realize it or not, this has got to be taking a toll on your self-esteem. You may be thinking that you can change this guy’s mind, but you can’t. When a guy knows he doesn’t want to marry a woman, he knows and that’s it. You have been labeled as not worthy, and it’s not healthy for you to spend so much time around a man who thinks so little of you and the relationship you had for three years.

Please try to give yourself a good 6 months without him. You are going to have to be strong. When you feel like calling or texting him, call or text a friend or journal. Over time, you forget the hurt — like him telling you that you aren’t worthy of being his wife, and that his feelings for you aren’t as strong as your feelings for him — and you just remember the fun, good stuff. Remembering only the good stuff leads women to turn back to an ex when they shouldn’t. I think it’s important to journal, so that you can look back and remember the bad and the hurt when your resolve begins to fade.Hire a trainer, and kick start a new workout routine. Start volunteering. Fill up your time with healthy things to keep you busy! The last thing you want to do is drink, as it will weaken your resolve and have you calling or texting him late at night. Focus on goals and be strong! You will need to lean on your friends and family for support, and may need to talk with a therapist, but you need to put this relationship behind you and move on!

– Miss A

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In 2008, I launched AskMissA.com which grew from my personal blog into a site with 700 writers, covering the intersection of charity & lifestyle in 20 U.S. cities. With Charity + Life, I am going back to a personal blog where I can share my favorite things, and continue to shine a light on nonprofits, and cause marketing campaigns to inspire others to give as they live.

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